Grief and Brokenness
One afternoon in late January of this year, 2025, I sat across a table from my pastor in the conference room at my church, broken. I had hit, as they say, rock bottom. I had no clue where to go from there, except I knew that something needed to change because I was drowning. It was a little over a year since my husband had passed, and the relationship I had been using (however unrecognized at that time) to not have to deal with his passing had imploded. There's a lot more to that story, and while it has relevancy to where I was at that time emotionally, I won't discuss it here our of respect for the people in my life that were impacted.
I sat there, telling my pastor everything, about Rick, our marriage, the challenges we had and how we overcome them. The cancer. What it did to him, me, and Bekah. We talked about his passing, how I felt God walking with me through that time. And then, we talked about how, in avoiding dealing with his passing, I fell. Turned away from God. How I had convinced myself I was okay. That what I was doing was okay.
But in reality, it wasn't.
There is something incredibly humbling, and freeing, opening yourself up to a fellow Christian. Confessing where you faltered in your walk with God. Understanding that, even though I failed God, he never left me. He was there all along, calling me back to him. That while I was immersed in sin, God is a God of mercy and grace, and that forgiveness is granted through repentance.
But, through that conversation, while talking about where I faltered was hard, humiliating, humbling, there was a theme. While it was hard, confessing what I had done, it was when I talked about Rick where I could barely manage to speak because I was so choked with grief. I remember looking at my pastor, saying to him that I don't think I have delt with Rick's passing. It was a epiphany. It shouldn't have been, but it was. My pastor was so kind and understanding. He was the one who connected me to Grief Share.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was make that phone call to the Grief Share group leader. I knew I needed to go. I needed help. But doing so would force me to face things I didn't want to. I won't talk about what was discussed at group (I may share some of the lessons I learned at a later time, but Grief Share is like Fight Club. What is said there, stays there), but the lessons I learned there has helped me to grow through my grief, learning that what I was feeling was normal, how to cope in more healthy ways, and giving resources to help deal when things get too much.
My group leader told me, at the end of the sessions, that I looked lighter than when I came in. I'm not surprised. I couldn't even get out the words, "My husband died in October of 2023," when I first started the class.
So here we are today, I am just coming home from my second round of Grief Share. I didn't think I needed to take another class, but I do. We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of Rick's passing, and as I said before, last year I was fully in avoidance mode. So, a little extra support is going to be helpful as I walk through the next few months.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with the loss of a loved one and is in need of help, Grief Share is there.
No comments:
Post a Comment